So apparently the problem was my name. Not that Ellen isn't lovely and melodic but apparently the "lives" portion was already taken.
I swear I never saw that. So after two geek interventions; one in person with Jeff and Diane (thanks, guys) and another via the phone (Jerms, you're my man), I'm accessible now.
I really liked Ellen Lives! but after all that frustration I'm "alive" so we'll stick with it, eh?